Day 6 eer 7 Lost in a book and lost in myself

In the days since leaving FB I have finished one delicious Nora Roberts book and Launched into another one…. oh how I have missed reading. I do need to write more, but reading is something I have not really done in a while. I suppose it is because it puts me in touch with feelings I had been trying to avoid for a while, while FB helps to numb them.

I recently had a lovely emotional breakdown, full with tears and gnashing of teeth from years of suppressed anger, sadness, loss, isolation and more feelings I am still coming to terms with. It is scary how work can force a smile on your face and how mindless games can freeze it there. Nora Roberts is one of my favorite writers probably because I can see myself in  her heroines. Tough on the outside, projecting the wanted image to the world, and all the while twisted up with suppressed emotions and fears. Like most women really.

This generation of women, while more liberated than any other are still forced to play the game like a man. instead of working with who we are and our natural strengths we try to think and act like a man. I am not saying that we are not tough and analytical, logical, and concise, but we are also instinctive, nurturing, whole pictured and leaders.

I have seen a few women who have succeeded by being all of themselves and they have better relationships with their employees, loyalty, and productivity, than the women who neglect those qualities, trying to imitate their male counterparts.

I have been told a few times by male teachers and bosses to basically be more like them and when I tried, I failed miserably and the customers and students who witnessed it, saw right through it. As soon as I honored my natural instincts and abilities, I was respected by those who worked with me.

I think though that somewhere along the way I have been more and more inclined to toughen my skin at work, in relationships, be strong for those around me, and really forgetting to honor the emotional self.

Several life events these past few months finally led to the crumble of the walls and the acknowledgement of what I was subconsciously trying to avoid. I cried a few years worth of tears and I think the characters in Nora Robert’s books are helping me along the path of healing. I can cry for the characters and in a way cry for myself as well. Seeing them is like looking in a mirror and while I like what I see, I can’t run from it either.

It is not unlike the beautiful model who suffers inside because no one sees past her face or figure. I am seen as many roles, but rarely have been allowed to or allowed myself to crumble. Who knows maybe after many more books and adventures, characters and dramas, I will fully find myself again and cry the unshed tears I did not know needed shedding.

Happy tears my well read friends!


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